When I read something you send me, I cry. I cry, okay? I cry because I miss you. I cry because I want to be there, with my arms around you. I cry because you break my heart with every word. I cry because every word is filled with so much heart. Heart that isn’t mine. I cry because you’re gone. I cry because I care so much about you, that seeing you in pain is worse than my own pain. You rip my soul out just by having your soul torn a little. You aren’t thinking of me. You don’t even particularly miss me. And talking to you is the worst thing in the world, but I love it more than anything. So when I text you, and you say hey back, it hurts me, but it feels good. And finally, when I text you and you don’t respond, I’m crying out in agony because the one thing I want the most is to hug you, then and there, but you aren’t there for me to hug.
When you’re heartbroken, the one thing I want to do is comfort you. But I already texted you today, and yesterday. Texting you now would seem annoying. When something happens that’s exciting or fun or happy, I want to text you about it. But I’ve already texted you today and yesterday. You don’t want to talk to me. But the only thing in the world I want to do is talk to you, and make you feel better, when you’ve got someone else to do that for me. All I want to do is be there for you, but you’ve got someone else to be there for you so you can blame me afterwards for never being there for you. You know why I was never there for you? Because I was afraid. I was afraid of the pain. I was afraid of you thinking I’m a clingy, annoying person. I was afraid of being hurt again, not on purpose, but because you never knew you had hurt me in the first place. You hurt me and I love you for it. You’re in pain and I want to help you, but I don’t want to help you too much or else you’ll get tired of me. I want to be there for you. But you don’t want me to be there. I want to hug you. But you don’t want a hug.
The worst thing about this is that even if you ever bothered to read this, which you won’t, because you don’t ever think about me, you wouldn’t know who you were. Even if you did realize that it was you that hurt me, you wouldn’t care.
Well, I’m lovesick. And I desperately, desperately don’t want to be. This is rather unfortunate. Squishing didn’t work, as a certain person told me once. Squishing made it worse. I guess I could always starve myself of this person. Hope the feeling dies. Because as much as it feels wonderful, all I want is to just be friends. All I want is a good, caring relationship. I value my friendship with this person far more than I trust this feeling. And I’m determined to get rid of the feeling before my friendship is ruined once and for all. Because this person means everything to me. Everything. This is freaking ridiculous. I can’t live this way. Stop. Stop. Stop. No. Squish. Shut up heart. Stop getting involved in everything else. Your job is to pump blood: that is all.
You are my new hero. You should probably know that I have a lot of heroes, but you’re new on the list and automatically you’re moving to the top! Congratulations! You and I are very similar though, so you should be warned of my steady non-hero stat
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